Betrayed

I feel like a retard. Three weeks ago I spoke with her parents and got my hand sliced up bringing a cat to her and my best friend, and now they live together, in the paradise I've sought for three years for, the paradise I've given held in my heart as a wish for us, that seemed each day to grow closer, they now share and she and I aren't talking. I lose Rachel, I lose Soren by default, because it'll be too damn painful to communicate with him, as all I'll want to know about it is Rachel. This writing is so silly love, it's just churning emotions, when I should just be breathing deeper and letting the tears come, hopefully with the rainbow of a smile that the world is a place of beauty in the end. But then there are the feelings, the pain, the anger, the confusion...

WHY RACH! I've done nothing but be sweat, calm, caring, supportive for the last month, minus a little moment WHERE YOU FREAKED OUT, at a time where if you had stayed calm I was ready to walk away from a meeting I wanted to be at, and I know that what you wanted me to do was anticipate the problem before, but at that point it was too late, we needed to communicate clearly together, to hear if you were going to drive alone, or if I was going to rush over, or what, but communicate peacefully! AND WE NEEDED TO SPEND THAT NIGHT TOGETHER. But no, no needs, this is just 2:40 in the morning heartbroken on your birthday round 2.0, only this year I truly lost something more valuable than a gold bracelet. For the second year in a row I get dumped on your birthday. I sit here on a night I planned to be with you, like a jackass, and trust in God, and pray that God loves us, and that there is some greater design to this sickening feeling I don't know how to swollow or place or rationalize away. Unlike when we met however, I won't let the whole yarn unravel know. I've got my tools, and i will pray, I will accept, trust, pray more, let go of you, and hold onto love, and hopefully I ll meet love, if only it were you.

But I know why, just in denial.

I've never "invested" so much. I feel let down, used, exploited, humilliated, silly, foolish, lead on. I want friendship, but I know that means me getting involved and wanting more, and Rachel using me for support and going elsewhere for passion. All I've ever wanted is her passion and I've failed in inspiring it. We're in this bind because she does care about me, think I'm a good person, love me even, for many reasons that she couldn't stay with Willy she was with me, and yet, some of my faults, struggles, mania has caused her similar pain. What's missing from it all is her excitement, an intangible that she had with him, a freedom and comfort to be herself to the fullest and feel both inspired and supported, not drained, competitive or insecure. All I've ever wanted is to create with her, to play with her, to write poems over her songs, to practice tantra, to laugh and watch movies and make love, and heal children, and grow individually and together, and yet she feels shadowed, and I feel abused. We spoke of being two trees growing next to eachother, independent and intertwining, but not feeding or reliant upon the other. We spoke of taking space until we were each complete alone and then seeing what we shared, but I have this need for us to progress, to say yes, to honor, and love, and work together, so that even as we can have our boundaries of what's acceptable, we can feel secure in one another, in our love, and not feel that one crack will shatter the whole vase, or that we're always on "last chance," make or break thin ice. That's no place to live, no place to grow from, it's insecurity instead of avowal, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anything that we're looking for mistakes in we'll find them, but if we're searching for the positive to nurture, it will prevail. The difference is that I feel it inherently because i am drawn to her, because I am passionately in love with her, and so it comes naturally. She feels that she has to perform to satisfy me, to DO this or that, which I don't care about in the end, but which I seek only because i seek to feel a longing, love, desire, and passion from her, an interest, curosity, and excitement, which i don't. She is not IN LOVE with me, and it's time I accept it and hold to it so we don't keep hurting each other, though we miss each other insanely, and I can't fathom tomorrow without her, and don't long for it's "possibilities," because they pale next to those I feel inspired towards in her, whether real or not.

She says there's still so much in me she doesn't know, then do I?

Well, back to the game of get to know thyself. What does life hold now single 26 year-old, and what will you do next time she calls, and who in balls are you writing this for other than her, the only person in the end you'd share it with.

I hope she knows that I'm totally stealing her idea and holding sunday fun-day in her spirit from now on. She can keep Salon Saloon's patent, but maybe this way we'll have something to rock with if she ever decides that we've got something special together.

All I wish for her is to find the flow, alone or with someone, that let's her blossom, if it's even possible to say that about one so "Bloomed." Wonder what she'd think if I told her I fantasized about her making love to the man she love's, and it was the hottest thing I've ever seen... in my mind. How I long to know what he will feel inside her unbelievable energy. Pure bliss, safety, humility, invicibility, and the Divine, Mother/Father/Spirit/ Existence/Timeless energy, Strength, verility, and the deepest tenderness anyone has ever known. But those are my thoughts projected. Crazy boy she'd say.

Memories: Touching in the stream under McCallum street Bridge, climbing through her window and startling her... ahh but this is painful right now, stop it. Presence! Breathe Deeply, send love.. Have Faith, and disappear, go off boy-o get lost from the world and come back when you don't long for love, when you're beyond it, when you've given up worldly attachment, then maybe you'll be able to see, and truly serve. But what is this with love? Why denounce, why not savour? No more questions. Forgive, yourself and her, yourself for being the guiltier for each decision's your own and each failure... not actually a failure just the foundation of her future happiness. You boy-o were not put on this earth to BE happy, but it may be your destiny yet if you can let go of all you desire, all you would see done, all dreams and agendas, and just release until your breath becomes the waves and your body returns to the earth, your final success. Perfectly accomplished. You still refuse to die eh boy-o, your ego and heart want love. To seek anything beyond what is already there in emptiness has only created more emptiness. what's full in the emptiness to start with?